Disclaimer:
This article is part of The Blind Mice Report. This satirical series was created to promote news reading, digital literacy and interest in current affairs. Believing this article is like believing that your GPA will increase this semester.
SINGAPORE — On Tuesday, the FBM team approached Singaporeans with the question, “Who was Singapore’s greatest and most well–respected leader?” Some answered Sir Stamford Raffles, while others said, Lee Kuan Yew. Few even mentioned Abraham Lincoln. None, however, spoke of the entity above all else. Lying arrogantly in the markets of Singapore, exists a leader with an est. 600 million dollars, 3 by 2 thousand-meter sq. infrastructure modelled after him.
Bearing the title of “King” in a democratic society, this individual is none other than the durian.
“The sales of durian throughout the summer season has once again tipped the GDP scales to our favour,” said local finance executive from the Economy Development Board (EDB). Having suffered a critical loss from the depreciation of oil commerce and recent US-China trade war, Singapore is now turning to monopolise the global durian market in order to boost its financial trade hub status.
Dr Lim Bo Seng, Chief Financial Officer of MAS stated: “While we have relied heavily on oil commerce in the past 20 years to sustain our economy, the market now proves to be too much of a risk in recent light of the childish bickering between the Middle East and the US. Durian trade, however, is mainly regulated by either Hong Kong or Malaysia, both known for their extreme conservative fetishes and love for cuckoldry.”
During the press conference, Dr Lim continued to exert his beliefs that the durian trade market would surely turn the economy around. Many, however, questioned whether his decision was based upon proper market analysis or his excessive addiction to durian consumption.
While many Singaporeans did not seem to mind this major shift in the country’s financial strategy (many of whom probably were not even aware of what was happening), an unexpected group of people has begun to violently oppose this idea. The group of students being from the Asian liberal arts bastion, Yale-NUS.
Liberal arts student Adolf Khruschev explains: “The durian is a symbol of society’s conservative ways. Observe its exterior pointed crust which is an obvious interpretation of how Cuckservative’s tend to only have seemingly strong facade when in reality, a hollow inside with nothing but seeds of insecurity. Furthermore, the yellow colouration of the Durian gives the impression that the country is Chinese dominated. For a country as progressive as Singapore, we should not be subjecting our citizens to such a racist non – liberal fruit”.
Claiming to represent the liberal identity of Singapore, Yale-NUS students have continued to condemn and cyberbully those who oppose their opinions on the issue.
FBM had requested interview sessions with the country’s durian retailers. All of them, however, replied to our emails in either mandarin or dying dialects. The team was not able to decipher whether they accepted our invitation or not.
Plans for venture corporate efforts with global agriculture ministers had already been set in place, and Singapore now hints at building the Esplanade 2.0. “The Esplanade 2.0 will be the world’s global durian trade hub,” claimed Minister for National Development Lawrence Wong.
Singapore now enthusiastically awaits the official endorsement and address from President Halimah Yacob on further steps.
