Disclaimer:
This article is part of The Blind Mice Report. This satirical series was created to promote news reading, digital literacy and interest in current affairs. Believing this article is like believing that your GPA will increase this semester.
ARIZONA — In a recent study by researchers at the University of Arizona, a new protein found solely in the brains of flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers has been identified.
Researchers have named the protein, SWP-10, in recognition of the ardent advocates of the flat earth and anti-vaccine movements. SWP meaning Stupid White People, and 10 representing the average IQ of people in these groups.
Preliminary analysis of SWP-10 shows that it has a structure closely similar to the prion protein that causes Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (more commonly known as Mad Cow Disease). If proven to be true, the findings will certainly explain a lot about the decrease in cognitive function observed in subjects professing to be flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers.
The results which were published in the Journal of Improbable Research have also led the scientific community to postulate whether beliefs in anti-vaccination and flat earth stem from SWP-10 associated cognitive impairment rather than lack of education.
Given the possibility that the newfound protein may behave like prions and can be transmitted to other human beings, subjects found to have SWP-10 were lobotomised. Researchers have reassured that subjects’ quality of life had not been compromised, citing that they have not been using their brains to begin with.
A source close to the study says that focus will now be shifted to screening the SWP-10 protein in climate change deniers.
