Disclaimer:
This article is part of The Blind Mice Report. This satirical series was created to promote news reading, digital literacy and interest in current affairs. Believing this article is like believing that your GPA will increase this semester.
TOKYO — The Ministry of Social Affairs recently published its annual population health surveillance report where it demonstrated alarming findings under the Section 6(a)(e) results analysis, otherwise known as the International Sugma Scale (ISS).
The International Sugma Scale is globally recognised as the unit of measurement expressing the median number of virgins per warring state. Japan’s analysis gave a result of 98, the highest value seen since Nazi Germany. To put it into perspective, this meant that out of every 100 Japanese men, only 2 had experience with the act of procreation, while the other 98 were either “beta” or “weeb”. This, of course, has led to an alarming drop in fertility rates.
The culprit? The Otaku Subculture.
Cited from global credible information source Wikipedia, the ‘Otaku Subculture’ is a Japanese term for people with an obsessive interest in anime & manga. While often interchangeable with titles like “Mega Virgin” or “Super Mega Virgin”, Otakus are surprisingly discriminated against despite the overwhelming majority of the population is one.
“Being an Otaku would definitely mean that you are a virgin and masochist,” liberal arts expert Leonardo Benihime declared after conducting a questionnaire survey with an impressive sample size of 5 Japanese citizens. Feelings surrounding this breakthrough study have been mixed. Some say that it is just a fun hobby and should not be unjustly linked with any stereotypes. Others, however, express their frustration and disgust, claiming that Oda Nobunaga would be rolling in her grave knowing that Japan had lost its way of the sword to overly sexualised catgirls.
Unfortunately, the issue does not just stop at cultural and historical degradation.
It is no surprise that Japan currently leads the global game of ‘how fast can your country’s fertility rate drop’. The nation’s public health sector stated that they never witnessed such terrible decrease in life count since 6th August 1945.
“Should no immediate corrective actions be taken, members of our once-great nation will soon face underpopulation, urban decay and quite possibly, extinction…”
Psychologist expert Mr Sasuke Uzumaki explained the principle behind the direct correlation between declining fertility rates and Otaku Subculture. He quotes, “People who spend excessive amounts of time exploring the mediums of anime and manga, would naturally come to realise how much better 2D drawn and animated girls are compared to real females. This realisation reconfigures the Sylvian fissure of the brain which is said to be directly linked to the release of testosterone and androstenedione, much-needed hormones to procreate.” Mr Uzumaki further adds that his team is currently working on a hypothesis to whether there is a correlation between Otaku Subculture and the increasing observations of homosexual tendencies.
As the 68th Annual Nihon Summit attended by members of the cabinet and representatives of both Japanese minority and majority groups approaches, many have speculated that this issue would surely take centre stage. Minister of Defence Itsunori Onodera was quoted sharing in a closed conference that he intends to take a strong stance against the Otaku Subculture, and the push for reinstatement of Article 007 permitting the use of nuclear warheads if necessary.
