Disclaimer:
This article is part of The Blind Mice Report. This satirical series was created to promote news reading, digital literacy and interest in current affairs. Believing this article is like believing that your GPA will increase this semester.
WASHINGTON — After reviewing the current trade war situation with China, the White House has issued a temporary lift on tariffs for imported adult toys.
China recently reiterated its position that a trade deal between the two countries is only possible if the U.S. must drop tariffs on hundreds of billions of dollars worth of Chinese goods.
The move was a surprising one given that the Trump administration had previously showed no signs of budging in past discussions with China.
No official reason for this lift has been given, but an informed source close to the situation said that the President made the decision based on a few factors – one of which was his son, Donald Trump Jr. who recently divorced his wife.
“After the divorce, Trump Jr. found great difficulty in satisfying certain urges. With the prices of adult toys rising due to the tariffs, his father the President felt that he should intervene.”
The explanation has raised eyebrows in the Twitter community, with many curious about why Trump Jr. would be affected by the higher costs of adult toys. They also inquired whether he was utilising other methods to ‘sate his urges’.
A leaked statement from an anonymous aide in the White House explained that the President’s son had reportedly spent most of his money on the what little social escorts in the New York area who were willing to help him.
“A costly and failed attempt, but what can you expect when you have such a face?”
Speculations are rife that the latest lift on tariffs was also for the President himself. The President and the First Lady are known to sleep in separate beds and tend not to show much affection to one another.
Political pundits have pointed out that in the run-up to the 2020 Presidential elections, this could be Trump’s way of appeasing the Democrats and building a voter base from blue states.
A study last year by Justin Lehmiller from The Kinsey Institute showed that self-identified Democrats were more likely than their Republican counterparts to fantasize about almost the entire spectrum of BDSM activities. From bondage to spanking to dominance-submission play, a lift on tariffs for adult toys would definitely help make the required items more affordable.
No tariffs on pornography are expected to be lifted due to the President’s general distaste for the Asian and Chinese genre.
