Disclaimer:
This article is part of The Blind Mice Report. This satirical series was created to promote news reading, digital literacy and interest in current affairs. Believing this article is like believing that your GPA will increase this semester.
WASHINGTON — Proof of a worldwide pharmaceutical conspiracy has been made public. A group of alternative health experts recently released evidence of an unscrupulous plan by top pharmaceutical executives to unnaturally extend the lives of customers.
The proof is what experts claimed to be the veiled message behind the slogans of various leading pharmaceutical companies.
A representative from the Anti-vaccine Scientific Society (ASS), the organisation spearheading this latest exposé said, “We will no longer fall for the Big Pharma ploy to maintain their customer pool and ensure a consistent profit by keeping us alive.”
“We did not give Big Pharma Corporations the rights over our body. Who are they to say that we should not be dying at the age of 50 or less? If that has been the median life expectancy in the past, there’s certainly no reason for it to change now.”
Other organisations involved in the exposé also contributed their opinions on the conspiracy.
Alternative Health Organisation for Learned Evangelicals (AHOLE) added that “Big Pharma companies are only seeking to peddle their pseudo-treatments to unknowing consumers.”
“Natural therapy is God’s gift to cure our afflictions. And in cases where they do not work, it simply means that it is time for us to leave this place.”
“Humans have survived for the past twelve millenniums solely on natural therapies. There is nothing that aloe vera, manuka honey and hemlock cannot cure.”
For the uninitiated consumers who have been misled by Big Pharma Corporations, the natural supplements mentioned above are established alternative medicine for diseases ranging from colds to cancers. Hemlock, in particular, is a cure-it-all most notably known for curing Socrates of his disease.
It is believed that this shocking revelation could be the greatest pharmaceutical fraud since the discovery that HIV ’causes’ AIDS.
While many have expected pharmaceutical stocks to plunge, the only thing plunging so far still appears to be the number of surviving non-vaccinated children.
